Hal Cruttenden - Stand Up, Writer, Actor

The Edinburgh Festival finished on Monday and, after believing I would be constantly posting from up there, I actually only published one blog during the whole thing. Sorry about that.

Overall, it was worth the financial pain and separation from the family. The stand up show came together very well (Four stars in ‘The Scotsman’,) and has inspired me now to get writing a new show (probably not for Edinburgh again - I really miss the kids too much) and the play has completely resurrected my acting career. ‘George Orwell’s Coming Up for Air’ looks like it will get some sort of decent London run and the reviews were beyond my wildest dreams. The Guardian did review it so thankfully I can remain a loyal reader. Lyn Gardner strangely only gave it three stars without seeming to really make any criticisms but she was lovely about me so, of course, all is forgiven. Here is the review

To tell you the truth there is nothing quite like appearing in a paper you really love and them describing your performance as ‘perfectly judged’. She goes on,

‘Cruttenden doesn’t so much play glumly respectable middle-aged, middle-income insurance salesman George Bowling as inhabit him. Discontent and regret ooze out of every pore; his body looks saggy and lumpy, like an unloved sofa.’

I will overlook the description of my body as saggy and lumpy, like a sofa. It is not. My body is best described as ‘fit fat’ - months of spinning at the gym have not reduced my stomach but turned it into a hard mass of muscle, with some fat bits between the ridges. Do you remember Lou Carpenter in Neighbours? I used to watch that in my twenties and his ageing body was what I’ve always aimed for and that seems to be the one I’m getting. Stocky but firm. The fact I used to think like this reflects how empty my twenties were. While I will defend my body as not saggy and lumpy, my face of course is a big fat disgrace.

Alongside the Guardian the play got 5 star reviews in ‘The Mirror’, ‘Edinburgh Guide’, ‘Scotsgay’, and four stars in the ‘Daily Mail’, ‘The Times’, ‘The Sunday Times’, ‘Sunday Telegraph’, ‘Daily Telegraph’, ‘The Independent’. Tellingly, the only bad review was in The Edinburgh Evening News and The Scotsman didn’t review it - meaning I was not eligible for a Fringe First. The treatment of the play by the Scottish papers makes me even more certain of the desirability of Scottish independence. Having said that, the Scottish Culture Minister Linda Fabiani, also came to see it and raved about me in The Herald so I should curb my anti-Scottishness Despite the fact we had no Scotsman review but loads of national ones we sold extremely well. Most importantly, Dawn came up and saw it. She came round afterwards with tears in her eyes telling me how proud she was and how she found the whole piece so moving because she could see so many similarities between my life and George Bowling’s. Considering George Bowling is seven years older than me, is completely dissatisfied with his existence and is going through some sort of mid-life crisis, I’m not sure it’s that good that she sees me as close to the character.

I’m very taken up with acting and theatre at the moment. I went to see my sister, Abbie, in ‘Afterlife’ at the National Theatre on Thursday and loved it. She is the real full time actor of the family and was absolutely superb. My living is of course mainly in stand up comedy but I think the next year will see further acting opportunities. After all I still owe my mum for the three years at drama school. I should probably do something that reflects my training.

Despite the fact that I spent virtually all my week at the Montreal ‘Just For Laughs ‘Festival walking round my room learning lines for my play, or frantically writing sketches for Omid’s BBC show, I actually did really enjoy myself. The shows were fantastic as ever and I think I really did myself justice at the Gala Show.

Gala shows do make you feel special at Montreal. You’re playing to a 2,500 crowd who are excited to be there, you’re being filmed backstage for Canadian TV and actually being interviewed almost until you get onstage. Hopefully they’ll keep the footage of me nervously mouthing, ‘Help! Help!’ as i’m about to go onstage. Joan Rivers was absolutely wonderful. I know I sound like a gay man but she is truly lovely! So warm and friendly and still, at 74, a truly great stand up. She actually makes me realise that you never stop getting better in this game. I will definitely try and see her show in Edinburgh now.

I know I always moan about work but I honestly feel like Gordon Brown at the moment - although I’m not widely hated throughout the country….that will probably come post-Edinburgh. I arrived back from Canada at 7.30 this morning and still ended up trying to finish up work late tonight. Lines are nearly there for the play - it’s just that now I’ve forgotten my stand up set! Ho hum!

On Sunday night a drunk driver smashed into mine and Dawn’s parked cars outside our house. Dawn’s car is a write off and they’ve yet to check out whether mine is salvageable. Whenever these things happen I realise that despite being liberal on many criminal justice issues, when I’m personally affected by crime I becoming a reactionary old fart. Dawn always says that she believes drunk drivers should be imprisoned just for being over the limit. I used to disagree and believed that drink driving is not a crime of malice but of thoughtlessness. Now our cars have been affected I want the bastard decapitated and his head stuck on a pike in the high street. That would liven up suburban Enfield. Having said that, we don’t know who the guy is because it wasn’t his car. He was driving home an even more drunk woman in the passenger seat, who owned the car. I feel really sorry for her because her insurance is having to pay out and she’d only met him that night and can’t get hold of him.

Dawn says at least was no one was hurt. People always do that don’t they? An annoying thing happens and they try and make everyone feel better by imagining how bad it could have been. I just imagine how nice it would have been if the annoying thing hadn’t happened at all! Actually Dawn’s very selective about how she applies this rule of ‘imagine how bad it could have been’. I was being lazy and crap one day and she was having a go at me. I said, ‘Imagine how bad I could have been. You could have married a serial killer. Be thankful your just having to deal with a lazy husband and aren’t buried under the patio.’ This was not a good tactic. The spare room’s very comfy though.

As ever, I’ve been busy so my blog is getting more and more infrequent. At the moment, I’m consumed by writing my stand up show for Edinburgh, writing sketches for Omid’s show, gigging all over the country, sorting out my CD and doing preliminary work on a play I’m going to be doing in Edinburgh. It looks like I’m going to be doing a monologue adapted from George Orwell’s book, ‘Coming Up For Air’ at 11 am and then peforming my stand up show at 8pm every evening. At least they’re both at the Assembly Rooms I’ll also be trying to fit in as many extra gigs for publicity purposes. I’ll be exhausted. If I die at least I’ll have gone down in the great tradition of showbiz people, ie. desperately trying to further my career.

The Montreal line up’s been semi announced. Matt Kirshen’s going which is great and Danny Bhoy. Omid’s doing his solo show over there and Russell Brand’s appearing. I’ve only met him once before but he seemed very nice then. All in all it should be a good trip in July.

I don’t understand why finding a title for my Edinburgh show is so hard. I was settled on ‘Tiny Rage Tour’ and then my manager, Ian, had reservations about it and then everybody else started explaining that they’d had reservations about it all along. It’s been a month of going slowly mad trying to sort out what would be the best way to sum up my show, which is not even finished yet, and also excite the imaginaton of the punters.

Daniel Kitson is at present touring a show called ‘The Impotent Fury of the Privileged’, which so beautifully sums up what I want to say - it would have been perfect if, when he’d thought of it, he’d told me about it then changed his mind and allowed me to use it instead.

At present my title looks like it’s going to be ‘Climb Every Molehill’. I know it’s extremely camp but it rather nicely sums up my way of making life a series of great triumphs over very minor issues. So many of what I consider great traumas and problems are ridiculed by others, specially my wife. I had a last minute wobble over using ‘Paper Bag Fighter’, which I think is brilliant but wife doesn’t think sums up my show well enough. I’m blaming her when no one comes.

Sorry about the huge gap since I last blogged. I really have been snowed under. I’ve got lots of writing to do for Omid’s next show in addition to my Edinburgh preparation and I’ve been doing gigs virtually every night! I am shattered and my kids are becoming strangers. The last few days involved a lot of preparation for a stand up slot I did for the Comedy Store TV show on Monday. Fifteen minutes is not exactly a stretch for a comic who’s been going as long as me, yet finding the right fifteen minutes to put on TV and then making sure you’re not repeating material from other shows tends to blow my ageing mind. In the event it was a great gig. I was on first, which is usually a nightmare in front of a self-conscious TV crowd, but Mick Ferry compered beautifully and they were realy buzzing by the time I got on. So I had a good show and was home in time to finish a really good row with Dawn. A row I lost 1-0…again. My row form is awful at the moment. Maybe I should do more training with the children or strangers in the street.