Hal Cruttenden - Stand Up, Writer, Actor

After nearly a month on the road, the 2008 Just For Laughs Comedy Tour is coming to an end. Tonight I’ve been on stage in Red Deer, then it’s Kelowna, Vancouver, and we finish in Victoria on Saturday. It’s been a fantastic experience. It’s been great working with comedians like David O’Doherty and Danny Bhoy, who I don’t usually see on the circuit because of their tours and festival commitments. I’ve become good friends with Pete Zedlacher, the Canadian, who I expect to be a pretty massive name when I next come back here - of course if he doesn’t become massive you can forget that comment about him being a friend! And the American comics, John Heffron and Finesse Mitchell have been absolutely top notch. We’ve all got on really well for a month - which is very unusual for people as self-obsessed as your average comedian - actually, of this lot, I’m pretty sure that I was the worst for self-obsession.

The audiences have been very welcoming and an education. They don’t like their comedy too graphic in this country and toning down of the ‘F’ words actually makes you work harder. When you  don’t have the extra bite that swearing gives, a poor joke is more easily exposed.

I’ve discovered that Canada is absolutely bloody massive - honestly - 2 and a half hour flights only get you half way across the country! I’ve discovered that Canadians hate America as much as we do and now feel bad because America’s gone and done something lovely by voting in a President who’s intelligent, articulate and well-travelled.

I’ve missed my family terribly and it’s just made me realise more than ever that tours like this will have to be very rare in the future. There are only so many times when you can hear your six year old say, ‘I miss you daddy’ before you’re dying to jump on a plane and head home.

All in all, it’s been everything Adam Bloom told me it would be when I asked him how he’d enjoyed his experience of the tour. I know we’ve really entertained the crowds and this idea of getting top acts all on one bill in very large venues, is a far better guarantee of a great night than a lot of the tours currently doing the rounds in the UK. Not to be bitchy, just being honest…okay I’m being bitchy!

The following was written, slightly drunkenly, at Toronto airport a few days ago but I have not been able to publish until today because of crap internet connections in Winnipeg and Saskatoon!

‘Over half way in our epic tour around Canada. I’m writing this from the executive lounge (get me!) of Toronto airport, waiting for my connection to Winnipeg, Manitoba. Am I the only person that finds the name Winnipeg funny. I remember coming across it in a map when I was about 8 and even then it seemed strange to have a city named after a sweet old Auntie - Auntie Winnie Peg - it is just me isn’t it.

The gig last night in London, Ontario, was fantastic. All the jokes I’d prepared (okay, only three) about being from a town with the same name went very well. Everyone agreed that it was the best night of the tour. Afterwards we went to a sports bar where we drank beer, played pool and watched American Football on the telly - I really can’t think of a better way to spend an evening. I’m so enjoying this trip and know that it will not be easy to go back to playing Milton Keynes two days after I return. The only thing that could spoil the last couple of weeks would be a McCain win in the US election. This could lead to a stampede of American liberals across the border, finally deciding that they can no longer live in a country so completely at odds with world opinion and downright common sense. Having said that, American liberals would be great crowds to play to so maybe that’s not such a bad idea.

Pete Zedlacher, the Canadian comic in our happy troupe, is staying in Toronto tonight to play a part in George A. Romero’s latest Zombie film. I’m going to be so jealous when we meet up again in Winnipeg. I would die to be in a zombie film which would make me a very realistic member of the living dead. Sorry -I’ve had a pint of guinness and it’s the middle of the day!’

One week into the Canada tour and I really feel I’m starting to find my rhythm here. The gigs continue to be an absolute joy, with Halifax being our favourite. It’s great being part of such a quality show. I’m slightly blowing my own trumpet here but I really think the line up for the ‘Just for Laughs’ tour is superb. Everyone’s very different but also very funny. We’re getting standing ovations in every venue and no one’s really come near to having a sticky gig. The line up is:

John Heffron - superb American act who won one of the first series of ‘Last Comic Standing. A must see if he ever comes to the UK. He sets up the show beautifully and has even pronounced my name right on one occasion.

Hal Cruttenden - Amazing and sexy.

Pete Zedlacher - Excellent Canadian who is ripping it up everywhere we play. I keep telling him he’s got home advantage but actually he’s bloody good.

David O’Doherty -  Irish hairy man and winner of the if.comedy award at this year’s Edinburgh Festival. A whimsical genius on and offstage.

Danny Bhoy - Nothing can phase a man who’s played the Sydney Opera House. Superb closing act. Has the best Gecko material I’ve ever heard.

All in all it’s an honour to share a stage with these guys.

I’m still enjoying being a foreigner. I don’t think I could ever settle abroad but I do enjoy being an object of interest, specially in the small towns where they don’t get many tourists at this time of year. Just this morning, I went over the road to have breakfast and my waitress asked where I was from. When I answered ‘London’ she started telling me how she’d always felt British and even feels tempted to drive on the wrong side of the road - how anglophile/suicidal can you get! I should have explained to her that, however British she felt, she could never qualify as she’d just started up a conversation with a  complete stranger and had been far too open and emotional. Of course I didn’t say that because, being British, I cannot reveal my true thoughts to someone I’ve only just met. I sat there smiling saying ‘how lovely’ and that she must get to London one day. I would have given her my address as a contact in the UK but feared that she wouldn’t be familiar with that other rule of being British, ie. never take up an invitation to stay at a relative stranger’s house - it will just end up being awkward.

Only one thing’s frustrating me on the tour and that’s my lack of new writing. I thought up a really good gag about the Canadian national anthem, only to discover that Danny Bhoy’s got a better one. It’s a nightmare working with the best.

I’m writing this feeling slightly sick after overdosing on a breakfast of blueberry pancakes and maple syrup - when in Rome etc etc…. I’m in Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada, as part of the  ‘Just For Laughs’ Comedy Tour that goes from East to West across this ridiculously large country with its uncommonly friendly people. I’m not just saying that because I’m here and want the audiences to be nice but there is something about Canadians I really like. They’re friendly like Americans but also knowledgeable about the World, unlike Americans - and they’re an ex-colony that doesn’t make you feel guilty if your British - even though we probably did something bad here - we always do!

We’ve only done one gig so far. It was in Saint John, New Brunswick, and the audience were fantastic. They laughed in all the right places and found it hilarious whenever I was slightly rude. I think an English accent sounds funny over here when it says ‘f***’ or ’s***’ - sorry about twee asterisks but I’ve realised members of the family sometimes have a look at this and I’ve had complaints. Anyway the gig was fab. Tonight we’re in Moncton at the Capitol Theatre.

We arrived yesterday in Moncton and at first it seemed a little dull. Then we walked the right way into town and had a great evening. Me, David O’Doherty and Danny Bhoy (yes we have an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman on this tour!) found a great bar where we stayed for four hours doing an epic pub quiz. Of course lots of questions pertaining to Canada were above our heads but we didn’t come last - which is quite impressive considering we’re comedians and really only experts at talking about ourselves. We drunk a range of Canadian beers - it’s like Belgium for choice here - and had a great meal! I am already putting on weight I can feel it. That’s great for my act - I have great fat jokes - but of course damaging for my self-esteem, but then low self esteem is also good for comedy. One of the problems of being a comic is that the worse your life becomes, the funnier you get. I’ve always thought that if my wife Dawn were to ever leave me, it will rip me apart but I know I’ll have a killer 15 to 20 minutes of new material.

Apologies yet again for a lack of blogging posts but I seem to be spending far too much time at the moment worrying about the economic downturn. I think the major fear factor for everyone is that no one has a clue how it’s going to affect them. My first instinct on hearing about any fact is to panic:

I heard the government is guaranteeing any savings up to £50,000 - but what about those of us with savings of more than that - we’re screwed! Then I realise my savings amount to £620 so I think I’ll be okay.

They say there are going to be large scale job losses. What if I lose my job? Oh yes I’m self-employed. there will be no sudden job loss for me just a dwindling of corporate work and maybe a few clubs going under.

We’re told that this could be the turning point in the balance of world power, the end of American hegemony. Come to think of it, I’m tired of American hegemony. We’ve tired of their fatty cuisine and Robin Williams‘ movies - It’s time for a change! China could be a fun ruler of the world - I was getting bored of freedom of speech - yes it’s important in a way but it also gives a platform to people like Jeremy Clarkson.

I wonder how far America will fall? Maybe in a  few years time we’ll have ads on the telly saying, ‘Little Johnny from Texas has to walk five miles every day to find clean water. Many years ago Johnny’s daddy voted for George W Bush so maybe we should let the little fucker walk.’ Maybe it won’t go that far but I wouldn’t be surprised if, in a few years time, America becomes a bitter nation constantly ranting about how the world was so much better when they ran it…a bit like us then!