Hal Cruttenden - Stand Up, Writer, Actor

Life is hectic in the Cruttenden household. On Tuesday my wife brought home a new puppy and a I really love her (the puppy not my wife..silly) – that was a joke I totally love my wife…for bringing the dog to us. She’ a cross between a German Short Haired Pointer and a Hungarian Viszla (the dog again not my wife – my wife is Irish and often cross) which apparently is another sort of Pointer. So basically she’s a pointer which is a hunting dog. Their job is to show the hunter where the bird he’s shot has fallen. I don’t really think shooting birds is for me but I’m thinking of smuggling her into Waitrose and teaching her to point out bargains in the meat aisles. ‘Two for one! Good girl! Good girl!’

The dog is, like all the other women in my family, absolutely beautiful. I live in a totally female house. There’s my wife, two daughters, female dog, female cat and three goldfish. My daughters claim that one of the goldfish is a boy but judging by their colouring, even if one is male, he’s very camp. I’m quite happy in this situation but I don’t think it helps my efforts to be more manly. Like a child that’s lived with wolves and behaves like one, I live with women with similar effect. As I get older I’m even beginning to get hot flushes – I promise. Watch Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow tonight and you’ll see me get really shiny towards the end of my set. I was pouring!

Talking of McIntyre, the show has been cut to half an hour because the X factor is going on until 10pm. I now hate Simon Cowell. I forgave him for saving Jedward last year but this is the final straw. I think I’ll enter X Factor next year. I’ll be an English version of that tubby camp Scotsman who nearly made it to the live shows. I actually think the BBC should have taken a risk and put McIntyre up against X Factor. The way that show manipulates its contestants is becoming harder and harder to disguise. Every show they talk about how ‘This is their last chance’ or ‘It’s all for their mum’ and then start crying – it’s becoming very repetitive. Are they really on the show for their mum or their family? The best, most stable thing you could for your family is get a proper job with a regular wage and not risk their futures in showbiz – that’s what I’d say to them if I was interviewing them. No one really performs for anyone but themselves and their audience in the end. It’s the biggest personal thrill and honour to play to a big crowd and to pretend you’re doing it all for your family is a lie! In fact I hate my family watching me perform. God I’m edgy… attacking  X Factor contestants.

Anyway, the fact McIntyre is a shorter show means that instead of doing six to eight minutes, my slot will probably be down to about four. Considering how well the gig went, this is not great news. When you shoot the live set for the Roadshow, you perform about fifteen minutes of material. Reducing that to four or five minutes will be a major headache for the editor and leaves me very much at his mercy. Your set can look smooth and streamlined or it can be a bit all over the place. I’m an extra headache for the editor because I sweat so much on hot stages. If you notice my face suddenly going very shiny, it means they’ve just cut out about seven minutes of camp prancing about. Apparently the full forty-five minute show will be broadcast when the show is repeated but the most important one is going to be tonight. If you do watch, I hope you enjoy it and remember not to go and make a cup of tea when it’s on or else you’ll probably miss me.