Hal Cruttenden - Stand Up, Writer, Actor

I thought I was too old for this. Last night at a gig in Watford, a man approached the stage saying he was going to flatten me because I’d called his mate a c**t (I admit I muttered it in a put down but I couldn’t find a better way to describe him – I really tried). He was a member of a stag do that was an astonishing combination of pumped up aggression and oversensitivity – that sounds like Cocaine to me.

I should first of all say that I no longer use the ‘c’ word onstage in normal situations. I know it upsets people and I will only ever deploy it when it’s a tough gig and I’m trying to gain some sort of control through shock tactics. The problem with this crowd was that they were small and dominated by the stags who were more interested in chatting than listening. They would occasionally mutter heckles and then refuse to repeat them when I asked what they said. Maybe I should have ignored them and just had a ropey gig but the way they were starting to ruin the night for the rest of the crowd made me angry. I shouldn’t have made that throw away comment (although it did get a laugh) but I never expected it to lead to a muscleman getting up to threaten me. I won’t call him a Neanderthal because they were apparently quite gentle creatures. I backed right down at the sight of him – he’d obviously spent a lot more time in the gym than the library. I vaguely remember shuffling upstage saying, ‘It’s comedy! I’m sorry but it’s only comedy!’ (I wish my family could have been there to see it!). I was like a beta gorilla cowering in front of the alpha male. I then put the mic back in the stand and told the audience that I don’t continue doing a gig if I’ve been physically threatened. Apparently after I left all but three of the group were thrown out. The remaining blokes went round apologising to the crowd and asked that their apologies be passed on to me. They were probably delighted not to have to spend the rest of the night with a thug looking for a fight. I bet someone got smacked in Watford last night. Actually, it was Friday night in Watford – of course someone got smacked!

My second gig of the night was the perfect antidote – a charity show in Michael Parkinson’s pub in aid of the Catherine Grace Foundation. Compered by Paul Ross, the first half included performances by Sean Meo and Stephen K Amos. I opened the second half and Paul Zerdin closed.  A great bill and it was run by lovely people. Fiona Allen of ‘Smack the Pony’ was the main organiser. She’s such a nice woman and that sketch show was part of my regular Friday night viewing when I first started comedy. Apparently there’s a new series of ‘Smack the Pony’ coming out in the future so let me be the first to plug it!

I never met Michael Parkinson. He was standing at the urinals went I went to the loo but I panicked and went into the cubicle. I couldn’t pee next to the king of the chat show! It was my second act of cowardice in one night.