Hal Cruttenden - Stand Up, Writer, Actor

Childish Things 6 at New Theatre Oxford last week was fabulous. Jeremy Clarkson was in the audience and told me he thought I was hilarious. I have not been a fan of Jeremy’s (can I call you Jez?) in the past but I now think he is indeed a great man and holds some fascinating views not just about cars but also on politics and society. That’s how shallow I am. Someone complements me and I love them for life! Quite soon after the banking crisis broke in 2008, I did a corporate in the city. It went great. I’d arrived filled with fury but left outraged at the public’s misconceptions about what those wonderful young multi-millionaires achieve – bless them and their stupendous risk- taking with no personal consequences! I even read the the Daily Mail for a bit after they gave me a lovely review at the Edinburgh Festival once. Sadly, after a week, even I had to accept that they were still bigoted scare-mongering bastards.

Anyway, loved the gig in Oxford and shared the stage with some great performers – Graham Norton, Rob Brydon, Rory Bremner, Jason Manford, Ruth Jones, Phill Jupitus, Jack Whitehall, Ally Craig (fabulous musician), Tommy and the Weeks, errr….cuddly toy, Out of the Blue – a brilliant acapella outfit from Oxford University and Oxford Brookes (really clever and fab). The only thing I find tough about these variety charity nights is that they make you join in the big song at the end. I’m not a singer, I’m a comic. I had enough trouble just clapping in time to the chorus of ‘Lean On Me’ but when one of the ‘Out of the Blue’ boys started approaching me with a microphone I nearly nutted him, which would not have been in keeping with the mood of the song. The night raised £47000 for Helen and Douglas House, a superb children’s charity. I’m all smug when I’ve done something for charity so felt justified in being moody and tired with my family the next day.

I’m so sorry its taken me so long to blog about last weekend’s adventures. Blogging is so hard to do when you’re not in the mood. Maybe I would blog more if I didn’t spend so much of my life talking about myself. If I was quieter, I could bottle all this stuff up and then splurge it into my blog every couple of days. I’m also very busy as usual. Yesterday I had to get photos done for my Autumn tour. The dates aren’t all confirmed but I’m covering a lot of England in November and December so I’ll be harrassing people to come and see me then – specially Blackburn which is a big venue. I’ll be asking anybody I’ve ever met in the North West to go to that one. I think the publicity shots are going to be great. Loved the photographer David Tuck, who got me to jump about (carefully of course with my knees) and pull lots of camp faces (that was a stretch). I haven’t yet seen the photos but I’ll be impressed if he just manages to fit this face into one shot. It’s always shocking to see yourself when you’re overweight. I still expect to look like I did when I was twenty (ie. gorgeous, broody but innocent – shut up!). I’m always shocked when I come out in photos looking like Harry Secombe crossed with Ricky Gervais, with a hint of Russell Grant.

Have to go now. I’m off to do a gig in Plumstead. The area’s as bad as it sounds but the gig’s lovely. Hope the audience don’t read this before the gig – oops!