Hal Cruttenden - Stand Up, Writer, Actor

Okay I know it wasa week ago but I am so busy I’ve only just had time to sit down and write about it.

I loved the Royal Variety Performance. I’m already jealous of the people who will do it in the future because it is just so much fun, so terrifying and such a compliment to be asked to perform .

The night before I had to drive three and a half hours from Edinburgh, where I was opening for Rob at The Playhouse, so I was not my jolliest as I gathered in the reception of The Blackpool De Vere Hotel on Monday morning. My mood lifted when I spotted Jason Manford, one of the nicest guys in comedy. He’s a team captain on ‘8 out of 10 cats’, has appeared on many TV shows and has a best selling DVD.

‘This is a bit bloody terrifying!’ he said.

The fact that Jason was scared meant that I couldn’t fool myself any longer. This gig was a biggie for me – a real Defcon 1 bowel looseningly terrifying bloody experience . I started repeating my mantra from Rocky Balboa,

‘It ain’t how hard you can hit. It’s how hard you can be hit and keep moving forward..how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!’

It doesn’t really apply to being a camp comic at the Royal Variety but its the best I’ve got.

I arrived at the theatre to do my rehearsal which involved performing my whole set in front of a sparsely populated auditorium, which included other acts from the show and TV people wanting to see if the set was going to be suitable for the evening. This rehearsal was actually just as frightening as the main performance. It’s not easy for comics to play small crowds, let alone small crowds of highly judgmental industry people all bunched together at the back of the theatre. I survived okay and actually got very nice laughs from some scantily clad dancers (female), which cheered me up no end.

I was in the comedians dressing room so was sharing space with the great Roy Walker (I’ve worked with both his sons but not him. He’s a lovely man and I immediately adopted him as my father figure for the evening); Adam Hills was over from Australia; Bob Golding the actor playing Morecombe was there; Paul Zerdin, my all-time favourite ventiloquist who should have his own TV show (we’ve never appreciated how great this art form is in the UK, it was ruined by Keith Harris and Orville and Roger de Corsey and Nookie Bear)  and the great Jason Manford. Peter Kay was compere and one of the lucky few to get his own dressing room.

My place on the bill was second from last – a really tough call this. I was between Katherine Jenkins (whose beautiful set involved massive butterfly wings billowing across the stage) and Bette Midler, whose singing had made people cry in the rehearsal (for the right reasons) but whose refusal to let Jason Manford have his photo taken with her had made him cry (for the wrong reasons). Bette, Katherine and I may well be the campest closing acts to have ever graced a Royal Variety stage.

When it came to the actual performance, it was without doubt one of the scariest moments of my professional life. The way I reduce nerves as a performer is to find reasons why the gig I’m doing isn’t really that important. It’s rather hard to convince yourself that a show watched by that number of people and attended by your country’s head of state isn’t really that big. Friends were texting me to wish me good luck; I would text back that I was scared and then the usual reply to that was,

‘So would I be! It’s bloody terrifying!’

I wish my friends would realise that when I’m moaning it’s almost always a method of extracting sympathy and reassurance. Actually maybe they’ve realised this and are fed up playing parental roles – must remember that for therapy tomorrow!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, the set went well (I think! Let’s see how much is lost in the edit) and goes out on ITV 7.30 Wednesday 16th December. Please watch it and tell everybody you know how good I was. I’m looking to tour next year and, like my funeral, I’m worried about numbers.