Hal Cruttenden - Stand Up, Writer, Actor

It’s my own fault. I know that I shouldn’t do it and I’ll end up feeling annoyed.

Instead of working, which I should be doing, I’ve just been browsing the internet looking for reviews. It’ s like an addiction. I know it’s bad for me but the little fix you get from hearing nice things about yourself is impossible to resist. During my last trawl I found lots of nice comments about me on Rob’s tour - although there were lots of annoying ones which say, ‘Don’t remember his name but he was very good!’ That’s lovely but frustrating – why didn’t I change my name when I started this career. It would be far easier if I just called myself something memorable like ‘That Tubby Chap with the high voice.’

The review that really pissed me off was this one from Birmingham:

‘We saw the show in Birmingham and felt that the warm up act had not realised that he was out of London. All of the references were London centric which kept the audience at a distance. ‘

Over 50% of my work is outside London. I have an act that I have to make sure is tailored to a UK audience or else I wouldn’t work. I do not go on about London in any way, shape or form. The only part of my act that mentions London is that I say I’m very southern and talk about builders and train guards enjoying giving me bad news – I just happen to set that material in London because that’s where I came across the behaviour. That material gets laughs across the UK because builders and train guards tend to act in a certain way across the UK and it’s funny.

One thing I’ve discovered about working in comedy is that some British people are extraordinarily chippy about the capital city. Like most cities it has good and bad things about it but you’ve got to be some sort of moron if you still think most London people are posh, or arrogant, or look down at the rest of the country (I do accept that I may have contradicted myself and looked down at you if you are reading this and happen to be a moron). Anyway, what gets me is that I do not have a London centric act, I have a Hal centric act. I am a Southern, middle class, overweight, angry and slightly ineffectual man who most people laugh at whether they share those traits or not. To attack me for not realising I was outside London means that they must have been watching my act full of anti-London prejudice and waiting for me to mention the city so that they could reassure themselves that I was another of those haughty London people. To say ‘all of my references were London centric’ just demonstrates that they weren’t listening! I mentioned London possibly twice in twenty-five minutes – how London-centric is marriage, knee problems, the Olympics (yes it’s happening in London but I was talking about the Olympics), terrorism (I was once in Birmingham a week after the city centre had been evacuated), my Northern Irish wife, and children (oh yes..of course..you can’t reproduce in Birmingham!)

So, do you see why I shouldn’t read reviews.