Having spent nearly three weeks in very hot countries, I really am going to diet. I’ve been doing comedy gigs in Qatar, Abu Dhabi, Dubai and Cyprus, with only about four days in London and I’ve realised that it really is time for me to get thinner. Being tubby in heat is horrible. I sweat horrifically whatever my weight but there’s something about being a sweaty, red-faced, fat man that makes people worry about you and it isn’t nice at all. During Orwell, A Celebration, I was sweating so much by the end (remember that this play was a full hour, with me in a woollen suit, under hot lights) that a female audience member told one of the producers that she thought I was having a heart attack and would like me to get in touch with her because she could give me tips that could save my life. The producer said that she thought this woman just wanted to meet me because she fancied me but I really can’t imagine that she would have fancied a tubby man in a soaking shirt with a melting face. Having said that, she may well have been absolutely shocking looking herself and thought that she stood a chance with Tomatohead Man. Apparently, after the producer told this woman that I was fine and always sweated like that she said, ‘But he’s stumbling over his lines and his eyes have a weird glazed look!’ If that woman is reading this, I can assure you that the line stumbling was probably just me being so in character that I put in some line fluffs to keep him natural (okay maybe I was tripping over lines!) and the glazed look was very probably blind panic as I attempted to remember the lines that I’d forgotten.
Life is a lot calmer now and I’m getting back to gigging. There are extra dates on the autumn section of Rob Brydon’s tour so look out for those – and if you’re coming to the gigs, turn up at the right time! People who walk iduring my open bit get crucified. You think I’m nice and won’t do that but I am a whore to comedy and will take down anyone to get a laugh.
I’m still in Cyprus until tomorrow, so I’m heading back for the pool now to think about stand up while lying in my rubber ring. It’s work, work, work!
