Next week the run of Rob’s show starts at the Apollo Theatre, Shaftesbury Avenue. I’m so looking forward to finally having some sort of routine. My life has been everywhere in the last few weeks. Just tonight I drove up to Manchester to do the Palace Theatre with Rob, a seven hour round trip (if you break the speed limit). There really isn’t enough decent radio to fill a seven hour journey, and I find music sends me to sleep, so I usually spend the trip thinking up things to worry about that will stop me sleeping when I get home. In this regard, the journey was highy successful and I look forward to an exciting night panicking about how we’re all going to die in the second bout of Swine Flu that’s due this Autumn; whether the state of the planet means that my children will live in a world where everyone floats around on the sea trying to avoid pirates and hoping that Kevin Costner will save them (pointless image if you haven’t seen ‘Waterworld’); and what will happen if I don’t ever sort out a proper pension.
Tomorrow night I’m doing the last hour of Richard Bacon’s show on Radio 5 Live. I’m meant to discuss what I would do if I was ‘Prime Minister for the Day’. My first thought on this topic is ‘actually very little’ – in one day it would be quite impossible to make any meaningful policy – so my first act would be to declare marshall law, put the army on the streets, take control of all media, ban public demonstrations etc etc etc just to make sure I stayed in a power for at least six months and got something done. I think I might be taking the concept a bit too seriously but I’m looking forward to the show. The great thing about being a comic is that people let you spout your opinions on radio and TV and then pay you for it. The fact that you may be humorous really does not give your opinion any more weight or validity but somehow people think this makes you worth listening to. Boris Johnson got to be Mayor just by being funny. I really should think about using my comedy skills for the same sort of evil purposes. Anyway, I’m looking forward to talking rubbish in the early hours of Tuesday morning (midnight ’till one) and hopefully helping to keep long distant drivers awake on Britain’s roads. If there’s a sudden increase in accidents tomorrow night, I was probably a bit shit.
