Hal Cruttenden - Stand Up, Writer, Actor

Edinburgh is actually becoming rather enjoyable. Both the shows are going well, with ‘Coming Up For Air’ getting a five star review and the Daily Mirror and the Stage loving the stand up. I always said I’d never read the reviews but I’m actually so tired that I need the lift of a good one! I don’t know about any bad ones yet so I’m floating on air. In addition, The Guardian came to see my play this morning - 28 years I’ve given that paper. I’ve been through the miner’s strike, the fall of Thatcher, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the fall of Paddy Ashdown’s trousers, the rise of New Labour, the rise of the neo-cons in America, the rise of John Prescott’s…. on all these issues I have read the Guardian’s opinion pages and followed the great wisdom of Polly, Michael and Alan to name a few of their great journalists. If they give my play a bad review then I defect to the Independent - or even the Mirror (because of the review - I’ll be badly informed but my heart will be in the right place).

Anyway, it’s a week into the festival, shows are great - I’m homesick - I miss Dawn and kids so much - but I’m ploughing on and beginning to really enjoy it now that the first few stressful days are over. Whatever comes of it I know I’ve given it a great shot and entertained a few people - hopefully more than a few - shit, best get off and check my numbers for tonight.

Despite the fact that I spent virtually all my week at the Montreal ‘Just For Laughs ‘Festival walking round my room learning lines for my play, or frantically writing sketches for Omid’s BBC show, I actually did really enjoy myself. The shows were fantastic as ever and I think I really did myself justice at the Gala Show.

Gala shows do make you feel special at Montreal. You’re playing to a 2,500 crowd who are excited to be there, you’re being filmed backstage for Canadian TV and actually being interviewed almost until you get onstage. Hopefully they’ll keep the footage of me nervously mouthing, ‘Help! Help!’ as i’m about to go onstage. Joan Rivers was absolutely wonderful. I know I sound like a gay man but she is truly lovely! So warm and friendly and still, at 74, a truly great stand up. She actually makes me realise that you never stop getting better in this game. I will definitely try and see her show in Edinburgh now.

I know I always moan about work but I honestly feel like Gordon Brown at the moment - although I’m not widely hated throughout the country….that will probably come post-Edinburgh. I arrived back from Canada at 7.30 this morning and still ended up trying to finish up work late tonight. Lines are nearly there for the play - it’s just that now I’ve forgotten my stand up set! Ho hum!

I really must stop moaning about being too busy. My friend (I have only one) and I walked past the Wine Warehouse today. He turned to me and said, “You should live there!’ Cruel and only moderately funny but he’s not a professional. The truth is I am getting to be a constant moaner. You know, one of those people who’s constantly looking for people to feel sorry for them. I am feeling low because what with trying to learn a monologue for Edinburgh; develop my stand up show; write sketches for Omid, prepare for Montreal in less than two weeks; and do gigs five to six nights a week, I feel that I’m not far off going on a mass killing spree. they’ll ask me why and I’ll say, ” I don’t like Mondays….or Tuesdays, Wednesday’s Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays or Sundays because none of them seems to be my bloody day off.

Oh well…Dawn’s birthday tomorrow which means I will at least be forced to stop working for a night or else lose my manhood. We’re going to a ‘burlesque’ evening so I’ll have to watch where my eyes are looking as well. Dawn always has to have an extraordinary birthday. I’d just rather mark the passing of the years sobbing into a whisky and shouting at God. I hate ageing. I was good looking when I was young.. unfortunately I was also a complete dick.

I’m writing this now rather than doing my spinning class at the gym. I feel terribly guilty. I’ve been forcing myself to go down to David Lloyd’s three times a week for the last month and now I feel the rot has set in. You know how it goes: one class missed; then a week off; then years of sitting in front of the mirror crying at the size of my belly. Having said that, the spinning class doesn’t seem to have reduced my belly by much, it’s just made it more solid and less flabby. I’m one of those fit fat men now. Whatever I do, I seem to be doomed to always have a fat face. I was called Potato Face at school and I wasn’t even fat then. I’ve just always had a big, round face - if there’s one part of me that I want to be bigger than the average, it’s certainly not my face.

It’s not just the gym I’m falling back on. This blog is becoming increasingly infrequent. I just have so much on now that Edinburgh is less than two months away. The stand up show, ‘Climb Every Molehill’, is looking fine but not yet ‘fantastic’. The play, ‘Coming Up For Air’ has now been adapted to just about the right length by Dominic Cavendish so some serious learning has to begin. We start rehearsals in under a week. I’ve never actually done a one man play before so I’m really looking forward to it while also missing the camaraderie of being with a cast. Having said that, I’m a very difficult sod when I’m under pressure and now so used to working by myself as a stand up, that I might not make the best team player when it comes to rubbing along with a cast for several months. Ho Hum.

I know I’m too busy because when I have a night off I fall asleep in front of the telly like my dad used to. Started watching a DVD caled ‘Hoax’ last night’. The first half hour was great and the credits were a soothing way to wake up.

Read the rest of this entry »